It has been since Halloween that I have posted anything here, easily the longest hiatus so far. I'm sure for many its been like waiting on the new Game of Thrones season to come out. That's a ridiculous statement...
Anyways, to say a lot has happened in these past months would be like saying that the Titanic hit a small stump or that Garth Brooks deciding to become "Chris Gaines" was a small bump in the road. Our squishy little boy has gone through quite a bit, including a second hospital stay, but I think his parents have gone through more. I have no idea if this entry is going to be brief or crazy long. We'll just roll with it.
For any of you out there who did not know, I have been home with Nathan since the first week of December. Amanda's leave was exhausted at that time so I tagged in and have been home with him, taking over the day to day baby operations. I have a few observations over my time at home as a stay at home dad that I'd like to share, if I might:
1. Being a stay at home Dad is the closest I will ever get to dressing like a homeless person on a day to day basis. I have literally gone weeks before putting on a pair of pants that did not have a drawstring on them. I've gone to HEB, WalMart, Walgreens, and any other store that starts with Wal and I have little to no idea what substance might be stained on my clothing.
2. You begin to have an appreciation for individuals who had no arms and learned to the play the guitar, or who had no arms and legs and yet they can paint masterpieces by merely holding their brush with their mouths. I have picked up more things with my feet and held more things in my mouth in these past months than I ever anticipated. When you've got a baby in your arms and he decides to hurl the burp cloth onto the floor, you don't just call a time out and set him in the penalty box. You have to adapt. You have to use your feet for hands. It's so weird.
3. All of your shirts end up with stains on the shoulder. Every piece of clothing I own now has the mark of Nathan upon it, for all the times I've held him and he has decided to drool either spit or a combination of spit/formula/whatever food of the week we are having.
4. When you go anywhere with a child you leave the house with the impression that you will either be lost in a snow storm, beamed off to a distant planet, or be stranded on an island with only Tom Hanks and his volleyball. You may leave the house with just the child, but you take everything the kid owns with you, just in case. Also, you don't bring anything for yourself, because, let's be honest, there is no "self" anymore, there is only baby.
5. Being alone with a baby for hours on end is a version of Stockholm syndrome, only you are the one being held hostage. You lose all sense of reality and connection with the outside world. Ray Romano used to say that when he was raising his twin sons that it messed with his perception of adult humor, and that all of his future jokes were going to involve just dangling his car keys in front of his audience. That pretty much sums up what it's like. You're so involved with your kid that you have 24/7 tunnel vision.
6. Whomever invented the zipper deserves a place in heaven. Putting on pj's with buttons while Michael Flatley, Lord of The Dance, starts riverdancing on the changing table is right up there with landing on the moon in level of difficulty. When Amanda and I put zipper pj's on Nathan we are like a Daytona pit crew, but with buttons, forget about it.
7. I used to believe that anyone who stayed home with the kids hated going back to work simply because they didn't want to have to work again, and nothing can be further than the truth. It's much simpler than that. You just don't ever want to be without your baby.
And that is what happened today. I went back to work and I'm going to have to be without my son for the first time in 103 days, and I am absolutely dreading it. I dropped him off at day care, and then I geo to spent the rest of my drive trying to compose myself so that I didn't look like Jimmy Swaggart all day.
I made it through, but it was rough. I mean, I didn't stare out the window of my office, looking at the beauty of the Technology parking lot, the picturesque view of the District Alternative Center and the dumpsters in front standing tall like Belton ISD's own Stonehenge, while I pined for the sweet face of my poor neglected child. No, I did not do that, but that is a hyper-accurate description of the view out of the office window. That's not to say that I didn't take quite a few glances at his picture on my desk today. I missed him. I missed not being able to just pick him up and give him whiskery daddy kisses and I missed not watching him act silly in his jumper. And let's be honest, I missed the option to not wear pants. But my work day was ok. I was afraid I was going to be overwhelmed but everyone was glad I was back and I decided to just get done what I could and not worry about what had piled up in my absence. It was a good day.
I picked him up and he seemed like he had a great day. Unlike his Dad, he was not in a glass case of emotion. We got him home and I cooked dinner, but he got really fussy. We are pretty sure he's starting to teethe and he was so upset that we ended up putting him to bed early.
When people talk about being a parent they leave out when you've been gone all day at work and you come home and all you want to do is hold your baby and all he wants to do is his best impression of a fire alarm. Its awful. It's hard to remember that he's not here to make me happy, in fact, quite the opposite. But as frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I'll go to bed tonight with my wife by my side and my squishy little boy in the room down the hall, and there's nothing in the world more that I could ask for.
Except for the option to not wear pants. Stupid dress code.
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